Dreaming freedom

I want to share a dream I had last week with you. In my dream, a solider dressed in green fatigues led me toward a bunker at the front line, helicopters flew over head. He was leading me into battle, as a fellow solider. There was smoke and gun fire close by. I was excited, not afraid at all. I wanted to fight the unseen bad guys.

Once inside the bunker, the solider told me I had to take a test - if I passed it, I would get to participate in the upcoming mission. Uh-oh. That familiar feeling of dread. How was I going to pass the test? In my dream, I knew I was only there by fluke, they had the wrong girl. They plucked an untrained civilian off the street and by taking this test, I would be revealed as unworthy. And just like in all my other dreams regarding test taking and failure, I woke up before the test was administered.

It was the kind of dream you carry with you though out the day, chewing on it, trying to figure it out. What did it mean? Was it my self conscious working through a problem or the Lord telling me something? Or just a silly dream with no meaning to it at all? I’ve dreamed similar dreams before, so I’m confident it’s my subconscious trying to figure things out as I sleep.

I believe in the dark places of my mind there is a belief that I’m not good enough. The label “low self esteem” would apply. I hate that. Hate that at almost 40, part of me feels like she’s stuck on the outside looking in and if put to a test, I wouldn’t measure up. I don’t qualify to be on the front lines. I’m not smart enough or witty enough. Even with my university education, and all my life experiences, I lack the confidence I can match wits with the intellectual smartypants people in my life.

I’m just a mediocre housewife stuck on the spiritual sidelines watching the great players make the touchdowns.

Here is a story I’ve never told you that fits well here: I once worked a drive-thu window at a busy fast food restaurant. I managed to muddle through fair enough, but much preferred cooking the food to taking people’s money. I’m truly an an Arts and Humanities girl. Even the basic math of figuring out change in my head - tough for me. To this day, I’m awful at it.

One night, I goofed a customer’s change and she really ripped into me. This happened almost 20 years ago and I still can hear her mocking, venomous words condemning me because I calculated wrong. I’ve always been sensitive, and that was a low blow, getting me where I’ve always felt weak. I felt completely exposed as a fraud and failure.

(By the way, if by some bizarre chance that Woman-From-the-Wendy’s-Drive-Thru reads this and recognizes herself, I want you to know this: it was only the power of God that stayed my hand that night. I so wanted to dump your extra large drink into your lap. So there. You may email me your apology.)

So this lack of self confidence is nothing new. Dreaming about failing when put to the test isn’t new either.

I wish these dreams would stop. I want to be free from not feeling good enough or smart enough or pretty enough. The nasty memory of unkind words - I want to forget it. This belief I can’t be or do because I lack what others have… Lord, deliver me.

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Tell me about your dreams. Heather at L’Chaim blogged about a dream she had recently.

Do you struggle with self confidence? Have you overcome feelings of inadequacy? Please share.